To my husband (7-30-15)

My heart aches for you. Please be happy. We miss you all the time. You are everything and more to us. 

We spend our mornings getting coffee, eating breakfast, watching cartoons, and walking dogs. Our days have been at spofford. The nights are hard. Bedtimes take many hours. The boys are exhausted, I'm exhausted, and it stinks. The boys have been fighting a lot during the day. I think they're taking their emotions out on each other, I know they're really missing you. 

I have had uneasy feelings today thinking about you. I'm really praying for you. I feel desperate and alone.

Theodore Roosevelt

"The most important single ingredient in the formula of success
is knowing how to get along with people." -Theodore Roosevelt

Tonight while googling things like "how to find your passion in life" I stumbled upon this quote.

I know Alex will appreciate it. The quote, and my sad first attempt at finding my purpose.

Another letter to my husband

Hey babe.

Yesterday the kids and I did errands in the am and around 1 headed to Yukon to the pool with Whitney and Chanel, Aria, and Keller. You should have seen ASHTON! He LOVED the water!! Whitney is a swim teacher as you know, so she had him jumping from the side into the pool, then as he floated up she would assist him in getting a breath, then he would swim about 4-5 feet to the stairs underwater. He came up for air at the steps. Then he would climb out and do it again! He's such a little fishy. Grayson did really well too. At first he clung to the steps but eventually he came out into the pool (3 feet) and walked around. He didn't want to jump in from the side, but was going under water and holding his breath on the steps. I think it is best to let him do what he feels comfortable with at this point. We need to let him forget his little scares from last summer and at Thunderbird lake. He will come around, he's always been fearless and Im sure he will conquer the fear soon.
He did get a cramp of some sort and for about 20 minutes he cried in agonizing pain. I thought it was a combo of a lot of juice which he is not used to and all the swimming and sun. He sat out and just relaxed once he calmed down until he was ready to swim again. It was scary for me though, it seemed like he could have had appendicitis with the way he was screaming and hunching over. Isadora was such a little water baby too. She was kicking up a storm!

We went to Texas Roadhouse after with all of the kids. It was so crazy! Chanel said they go out to eat often because she can't cook, and the kids do do alright when they have the bread or chips. I realized we don't go out to eat because of our tight budget and that made me sad. I can't wait to have our debts paid off and to be contributing to our finances.

The boys went to sleep so well for me last night after we all had showers. It was such a relief after the way they've been for me at bedtimes.



Today has been hard in the motivation realm. I woke up, drank some coffee, started laying out outfits, and decided to have my leftover ribs, mashed potatoes, and carrots for breakfast. Needless to say, you know that is the farthest thing from my usual breakfast choices. The boys played outside with me while I gave the dogs baths. They ran away from me last night and didn't come home until this morning. And of course, they got sprayed by a skunk.

Then lunch, and nap. I laid in bed with Ashton today at nap time for about 20 minutes singing until the boys (and I briefly) fell asleep.

I text with you a little bit while they were down. I was really really really hoping to talk to you at this time. I knew you'd give me a kick in the booty to get packing, or clean the house.. or something. I was also feeling pretty lonely. Instead I watched The Best Of Me. My computer wasn't working the other night so I couldn't. It was the best Nicholas Sparks movie I've seen and I really want to read the book now. I love all the books but they didn't always turn into the greatest movies. You'd think it was "alright" for a chick-flick. Better than the Notebook anyways!! Ed also called to check up on me. Every time I talk to either of them I am overwhelmed with a blessed feeling.

 Once the boys woke up we text with you a little bit and face timed Amma and Auntie Em. I got moving with outfits and organizing and did some house cleaning. We had a later dinner (7-8) because they slept until 4ish so I just got them down at 9:15ish. We watched Inside out at the table while we ate.. the boys loved it and remembered seeing it with you in theaters. We talked about you and how you're going to be flying tomorrow. They ate their leftovers from Texas roadhouse and I made them zuchini and squash "chips" (baked with coconut oil and parm cheese drizzled over). They loved it!! And they also had cereal. This was the first night since you left that they really had big appetites.

Tonight bedtime was about 15 minutes. PROGRESS!!!  Slowly but surely we're making a new routine. I hope we can keep this going while we are home, and especially when you return. I've been told it is very hard to readjust upon homecoming. They say it's best for the one whose coming home, you, to sit back and observe for like a week. And slowly work your way into the routine.

Today was hard for me. I thought of you all the time, even while I was busy. I wondered what you were doing, and if you were enjoying yourself. I really longed to be connected with you. I imagined us joking together, working in sync as we prepare for a trip home. Remember a couple months back when your parents visited, and we prepared the house together and for the first time, we didn't argue about how we were going to clean? For the first time in all of our cleaning history?! That was so nice. I miss you so much.

I wish we could be together now. I need your help cleaning and packing! Especially packing tomorrow. I feel a little bitter. As if it is so unfair that after all the progress we have made in our marriage we are forced apart. It's so hard to feel that we are growing while you are so far from me.  When these doubts and fears creep into my head, I keep reminding myself in the long run this deployment will only bring us closer together. That our individual self growth will be substantial. We just have to go with the flow for now and give ourselves grace. I can't wait to see where we will be mentally at Christmas time. I know I'll only love you more deeply. <3

PS. I liked when you quoted me on that today. "Give yourself grace". You must have read my letter.

To My Dearest Husband

My dearest husband.

On the day you left, it was our oldest son's 4th birthday, but I never mentioned it to him. I didn't want him to associate his birthday with Daddy's departure. I neglected the dishes. I drove an hour to hangout with friends, one of whose husband deployed with you, for 45 minutes. I came home, and Reagan had done the dishes. I floated through the day in a zombie trance, fighting back tears hourly. Thank you for buying an extra frozen pizza, you must have known that would be all I could manage for dinner that night. It took me 3 hours to get the boys to go to sleep that night. I got a lot of messages on my facebook from friends reaching out with supportive advice and prayer. Every one of them made me happy, and I felt a little stronger as the day went on. Ashton asked "Where Daddy go". Grayson responded "in a plane to the desert." Isadora also cut her first tooth, AND rolled in her cast today.

On the second day, I brought all 3 kids to Grayson's 4 year check up. We had a good morning. I felt strong and like I can do this. Shiloh came over, and our washing machine broke. Im glad she was here, because she somehow fixed it. I would have just called a plumber, or neglected to deal with it for a few days. She also dressed up as a cow with me and the boys, and we stampeded to Chic-Fil-A for free food. We hungout there for a couple hours, and she gave me so much advice. She wasn't overbearing and was just there for me. Which was really nice. Then she took our dogs to her house, to see if they would want to take them for the entirety of your deployment, while I travel east. What friends we have. <3. I watched The Lucky One that night.

On the third day, I brought the kids grocery shopping at 8am, then packed up and drove a half hour to Harrah to do some peach picking. As we were getting into the car, Sherri called my name from down the street. She ran over and said she had a bunch of snacks leftover from tornado season and asked if we would want them for our trip. I thought I would cry right there from her kindness. I know both her and Ed are thinking of us a lot. On the drive, I teared up as I thought about how thankful I am for the people in our life. The helpful, loving, friends we have been blessed with. I don't know what we do to deserve so many astonishing people.

Peach picking was hot and Isadora was heavy in the carrier. I missed you, and remembered how helpful you are whenever we go anywhere. We had fun with Kelli, Adi, and Teddy, and Tina, Abi, Will, and Luke. I came home to a house with flies in it. When you are home, that doesn't happen. You are the master fly swatter. Ill never forget the time you nailed that fly with the champagne cork at Laughlin.

I brought our pool and the kids over to Andrea's that afternoon. She watched all 3 so I could run home and take a shower by myself  before my apple appointment. It was really weird being alone in the house, no kids, no dogs or even crates. It took me record time showering and getting ready. probably 20 min flat. I went back to get Is and headed to the mall. I waited for basically a half hour for my 15 minute appointment, where they told me all I need to do is get an external hard drive and my computer and phone will function normally again. You could have helped me with that! That made me annoyed with you. And then, I missed you.

I brought Andrea peaches, grabbed the kids, and raced to get the dogs. Loki scared Midnight into hiding again and the Day's felt it wouldn't work out. I don't blame them. To be honest I missed them. Especially at night. I brought them peaches and they said they would watch our plants for us instead.

I told the boys that you told me you missed them, and Grayson rolled over, ignoring the comment. Ashton asked again "mommy, where Daddy go?"
That night Grayson went right to sleep, but Ashton stayed up for about 2 hours. I watched The Longest Ride, and stayed up late planning. I slept very little.  It was so neat how I woke up just as you had text me in the middle of the night, even though my phone was on silent. That made me so happy. We were so in tune with one another.

This morning I woke up with purpose, for the first time since you've left. We had breakfast together, the kids and I, and brought the dogs to the park. It took us like 20 minutes to get there, because Ashton rode his trike the whole way. We stayed about an hour and then came home and did chores. Ed came by twice, both times I missed him due to being on the phone with the bank. I finally touched base and he was just so helpful. I ended the conversation saying how grateful we are for he and his wife for helping us, and he responded, " Well, Im so grateful to know a young family with such great minds!"
WHEW.  How blessed are we???

Grayson took my keys today. I found him on the couch looking at our picture key chain, the one you made for me for our anniversary. I asked him what he was thinking, and he said, "I miss Daddy."

I did the dishes today. First time since you left. (And since before Grayson's birthday party.. because you always did them for me. You know how much I hate dishes.)

Im going to go do some errands now with the kids. I can't wait to talk to you tonight. Don't be surprised if Grayson pushes you away at first. He's having a hard time. Ashton's also biting again. :/ Loki is also acting out and chewing everything!!!! UGH.
Oh and our internet keeps going out.

Isadora just crawled in her cast for the first time!!! She uses her little feet to lunge herself forward like a little turtle. She's amazing!! Not that far behind!

The boys didn't eat any dinner. I think they are upset you couldn't talk. They've been very defiant, as usual with me, but more so. And I've been extra firm and consistent. Tonight at bedtime,  I was in their room for ohhh I dont know, the fourth time telling them enough. Grayson started bawling saying he misses Daddy. I know it wasn't just a ploy to get out of going to bed. I could tell. He said it because I was being so stern with him. I don't remember you ever being the softy, but I guess when there's two of us we balance each other out more. This whole single parenting thing is hard. I feel wrong calling it that, because I still feel so much support from you from miles away.

Grayson just came into our room, crying because Ashton bit his nose. They're both asleep now, after we all had a long snuggle fest of tears talking about Daddy. They want to hear you sing to them. Every time I tried to fill in for you, they whined at me. I'm so glad we can skype in the morning. Thank God for technology! I hope this will help. I'm watching The Best Of Me tonight and hopefully getting more sleep.